The *Real* Acknowledgements

Phew! Thanks to a string of all-nighters, I've finally gained myself a day's worth of time to relax. Long way to go yet; there's a lot to be done before I stand in front of the Viva panel on the 9th and present 8 months' worth of work in 30 minutes, and pray they at least understand what on earth I am talking about.

A word about the conclave of profs who comprise the Viva panel. They are notorious for being virtually impossible to please. The three possible results of the Viva are:

1) They harrumph and nod and pack me off out of this campus with a decent grade.
2) They prod into all the holes in my thesis, real or imagined, and ask vague questions just to express their displeasure. Then they conclude that I've at least worked reasonably hard and that is enough to earn my degree, though not a good grade.
3) They rag me for the half hour and make me cry and "grant" me an extension.

I'm praying that they choose option one and save us all a lot of trouble.

Anyway, I'm nearly done with my thesis, and the only page in which I say less than I want to say is the Acknowledgements page. So I felt that I should mention here, that I want to thank....

... my project guide, Prof. Ramesh Babu, for being cool about my work the whole year and not exerting any pressure. Having known him for over two years, I call his behaviour uncharacteristic and inexplicable. Perhaps he's going to jump a surprise for me this week and make me get an extension for lack of results or something?

... my guide at General Motors, Sriram Ranganath, for bearing with my lack of systematicity in my work. He's been extremely sweet an I'm wondering why the hell people are not harrassing me for doing a formal verification project without the required background and hence doing a botch job of it all.

... my parents, for understanding that I don't want to come home longer than a few hours per week at a time like this.

... the Nestle stall at Gurunath, for my customary cup of tea at night.

... Ravikanth, for accompanying me whenever I go to get that cup of tea, and for being as late in his work as I am for a change. Nice to finally feel academic comradeship with this branch-topping MIT-going stud!

... Baal, for constantly jeering at my predictions of completing some portion of my work or the other. I think I might have worked harder than I would normally have, just to get the satisfaction of spiting my best friend. Note: I never did manage to finish a single thing at the predicted time.

... the Center for Industrial Consultancy and Sponsored Research, for mandating that I will not be paid a sou beyond the HTRA amount that every graduate Joe in this institute gets automatically (even though mine is a sponsored project). This way, I don't feel guilty for not having earned the money.

... Coldplay, for providing the right kind of music that won't distract you from work and helps you to stay awake.

... Kirthi and Vc, for a stream of semi-nonsensical blogtalk (the nonsensical portion of it being Vc's) that for some weird reason lifted my spirits during this whole ordeal.

... all the people who cared about me enough to wish me good luck for my thesis.

In the last three weeks or so, I've worked and slept and eaten at the vaguest of hours and shot my biological clock to hell. But it's not over yet, and with due apologies to Robert Frost, I thought I'd add this verse:

The night is lit by the moonlight cold,
And the window reveals a sight to behold.
But I have work to do, and deadlines to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Cheers,
Prashanth.

Work

I'm nearing the end of my M.Tech, and it looks like I'm actually going to be busy!!! Thesis work and all. So I'm going to be off the blog world for a while. Wish me luck people!

Cheers,
Prashanth.

Memories and Dreams

Sometimes, life finds a way of contradicting your firmest beliefs. More often, life has a way of reducing to zilch your strongest resolutions.

I guess I must not be surprised, then, that something as inherently childish as resolving to forget some events of the last couple of years didn't quite work out. I nearly fooled myself into thinking I'd managed to forget things and put them behind me, as even when standing in front of the central object of those events, I managed to keep calm and smiling. And dash it all, I didn't count on the indirect things. One familiar gesture from someone else I know, and it triggers a flood of memories and emotions, setting off a chain reaction of sorts, leaving me numb, gasping for breath, reducing me to tears.

I have a pretty poor memory regarding past events, in general. Whenever I try hard to remember what a person said or did in some particular context, I come up with no more than a vague recollection of sorts. But I guess the subconscious mind knows more than conscious. When I least expect and least want to remember some things, they crop up in my head.

Some of my friends, Prathyusha in particular, have excellent memories. I can imagine her in my situation, only she doesn't need a trigger to remember things, she has every single thing at the top of her head. What a curse it must be, not being to forget, or even push to the back of your mind, the worst events in your life.

At least, the subconscious does have its way of combating memory-triggered depression. I just go to sleep, and let my dreams wash away the harsh realities of life. I never actually remember my dreams; I just remember waking up with a lingering sensation, or emotion, of what I had dreamt about; sometimes, I wake up confused or scared, but most of the time, I wake up with a pleasant feeling... as though my dreams took me to a happy place, clearing my thoughts, refreshing my soul, and wiping the worried furrows off my forehead. I know I don't dream of fantastic or alien things; just a world that is less cruel, less imperfect than the real one.

I think it would be appropriate to sign off with this wonderful bit of prose written by my friend:

Did the night fall or did I shut the harsh world out by closing my eyes? My mind can finally go to places close to my heart; the world has closed in, pushing me into my world of dreams... - Anushya Chandran.

Cheers and wish you sweet dreams,
Prashanth.