Memories and Dreams

Sometimes, life finds a way of contradicting your firmest beliefs. More often, life has a way of reducing to zilch your strongest resolutions.

I guess I must not be surprised, then, that something as inherently childish as resolving to forget some events of the last couple of years didn't quite work out. I nearly fooled myself into thinking I'd managed to forget things and put them behind me, as even when standing in front of the central object of those events, I managed to keep calm and smiling. And dash it all, I didn't count on the indirect things. One familiar gesture from someone else I know, and it triggers a flood of memories and emotions, setting off a chain reaction of sorts, leaving me numb, gasping for breath, reducing me to tears.

I have a pretty poor memory regarding past events, in general. Whenever I try hard to remember what a person said or did in some particular context, I come up with no more than a vague recollection of sorts. But I guess the subconscious mind knows more than conscious. When I least expect and least want to remember some things, they crop up in my head.

Some of my friends, Prathyusha in particular, have excellent memories. I can imagine her in my situation, only she doesn't need a trigger to remember things, she has every single thing at the top of her head. What a curse it must be, not being to forget, or even push to the back of your mind, the worst events in your life.

At least, the subconscious does have its way of combating memory-triggered depression. I just go to sleep, and let my dreams wash away the harsh realities of life. I never actually remember my dreams; I just remember waking up with a lingering sensation, or emotion, of what I had dreamt about; sometimes, I wake up confused or scared, but most of the time, I wake up with a pleasant feeling... as though my dreams took me to a happy place, clearing my thoughts, refreshing my soul, and wiping the worried furrows off my forehead. I know I don't dream of fantastic or alien things; just a world that is less cruel, less imperfect than the real one.

I think it would be appropriate to sign off with this wonderful bit of prose written by my friend:

Did the night fall or did I shut the harsh world out by closing my eyes? My mind can finally go to places close to my heart; the world has closed in, pushing me into my world of dreams... - Anushya Chandran.

Cheers and wish you sweet dreams,
Prashanth.