The benefit of hindsight is that you can finally afford to detach yourself from the complications of any issue and look at things objectively. Even better, if the distance is enhanced by a sense of physical separation from the people and places involved. Now, with my shift of base to the US a near certainity and merely three weeks away, I feel drawn to retrospection, and for once I think I am able to see things in Black and White.
I can remember every important instance of my failure; in academics; in friendship; in love; and in family. Suddenly stripped of all excuses and mitigating circumstances, the pain strikes in blinding flashes. I feel like it is Judgement Day; I have been weighed, and found lacking. "Beyond my control," "Beyond my ability," "Unreasonable to ask that of any person," "No time," "Nothing more I can do; it will work out by itself," "Not my job." Every time that I end up short of the line, I console myself with one of these.
Maybe I am being too harsh on myself. Maybe I really could not have avoided every bad thing that has happened to me in the past 5 years. A handful of bad grades; a lot of pain caused to a dear friend who's seen too many troubles already; some family quarrels that I might have been able to soothe faster if I'd taken the initiative to step in; a lot more things on that list. But I can't help but feel that if only I'd done my duty as a student, a friend, a member of the family... things would be different. Things would be better.
For all my criticism of Robert Jordan, the Wheel of Time does have it's strokes of brilliance. My favourite quote from it: "Death is a feather; Duty is a mountain."
Duty. We all know our duties. But it can be hard, oh, so very hard to do everything, and do it well. The well-being of our lives and conscience seems to be inexorably linked to duty.
My life is actually quite rosy at the moment... but I'm given to such fits of self-chastisement on occasion. Hope it passes... I have work to do!
Cheers,
Prashanth.
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5 comments:
Wish you all the best for ur work ahead!!!
As for the review of things past, let bygones be bygones :)
Sometimes it is not very good to look at things on hindsight and say that you could have done this and should have said that. It can be a bit depressing at times. Being too self-deprecating is not good either.
Its easy to sit back now without being ruffled by the circumstances that existed then and say that if I had done this, that would have not happened. That's all speculation because now at this point of time you can afford to renounce your responsibility of the consequences of your actions were you to take the path that you now think is "better".
Although retrospection should be an exercise in learning from one's past errors, it can be a big confidence dampener at times.
SP .. What can I say ?? You are a thinker ... and Kirthi is better at boosting people.. not that you need those Rocket boosters :).
Kirthi remember when we first read this dude's blog..we were sort of analyzing SP and I told you something hmm hmm.. see..it's in this post .. in black and white. :)
Jai SriRam !!!
I had a similar phase before coming to the US. But looking at the past objectively is good, if you make sure no feelings also crop up. Otherwise it basically reduces to brooding/rumination. Btw, I have linked your blog on mine.
Jeez! Thanks for the encouragement, all! :D
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