I've always maintained that after I get married, I'd like to go the nuclear way; live in an apartment by ourselves, away from family; no servants. As a husband I'll share the housework, cooking, cleaning, raising the kids, etc. so that my wife can spend as much time on her career as I do on mine. After all, it's her right.
Of course, nobody believes that it is possible. They say that even if my intentions are sincere, the practicalities of the matter will result in reality being otherwise. I stubbornly held, and indeed still hold, that it is just a matter of the men in our country changing their mindsets a little, and equality of men and women will be more reality than myth.
I must admit that my confidence that this vision will come to pass has been steadily eroded over the years, the biggest blow having come in the past couple of weeks, as I watch my Mom grilling my s-i-l on how to be a good housewife. It's not merely information on where things are and how to maintain them; there's a lot of stuff on rituals and behaviour and more junk that I can't list here. I watch my s-i-l listen attentively and see her gradually change into a housewife, right in front of my eyes.
The irony of it all is that she requires no persuasion or extensive training. She's been molded from birth to fit the role she's walking into, and she accepts it calmly, and indeed, happily. But even if she wanted to be a free soul, expecting treatment equal to what her husband receives, I can see the invisible hand of thousands of years of tradition pushing her gently but surely into submission.
And so it goes on. The woman of the house lights the lamp in the puja room everyday, and efficiently executes her duties of attending to the needs of the men, elders and children. She prays, cooks and supervises the servants in the more menial duties, while the men go out for work everyday and "bring in the money that feeds the household".
As if women don't know how to earn and men don't know how to cook. The whole thing is enough to make me gag. Let's hope my wife and my life are a little bit different.
Cheers,
Prashanth.
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13 comments:
Have you ever let your mother know your take on these issues that you blog so often about and insinuated that you don't approve of them? Have you ever tried to educate your SIL without inciting her? Have you ever discussed it with your bro and try allaying the imperviousness of the situation? If you donot like your SIL incarnating herself into a docile housewife, however willingly, I think you must make your mind be heard where it matters most, your home.
On a different note, we are cohorts on the nuclear way of life, it is indeed the most prudent thing to do. Me accedes:)
Kaushik,
I've been learning to cook these hols *grin* I'll have to survive in the US you see. I'm already at the expert level where I'm arguing with my Mom that it is possible to make crisp potato chips in the microwave oven!
HoH,
I don't know my s-i-l well enough to talk about such stuff already. She still calls me "meeru" (=neenga) not "nuvvu" (=nee) can you believe that? And she's 2 years older than me!
As for my Mom, I know how she feels about all these issues. No space to discuss it here, but take my word when I say that there is nothing to discuss or convince; she feels certain traditions must be maintained, and though she's all for equality of women, she does what she feels is best for everyone in the family.
SP,
All my friends are busy looking for "the perfect bride" and i keep warning them that she doesn't exist.. .. hah!! poor guys...
SP,
I think u r living in a little utopia of ur own. One of the reasons I call u the boy from the Himalayas. The nuclear family prima facie seems like a perfect solution for both spouses working scenario. The truth of the matter is neither of them can handle it with even an iota of success. I have seen people call their parents to the US simply because they can't juggle around their high pressure jobs and kids. So what's all the pretense and fuss about the nuclear family? We as kids built a symbiotic relation with our grandparents, where we gave them endless source of joy and contentment and we got a whole value system to learn from them. So why deny ourselves a social institution that now, more than before works out perfectly for our lifestyle and at the cost of what? A few traditions and customs?
Hokey,
Thanks for dropping by my blog, and of course you're right. But I think today's young women are more forward thinking than the men; they do need a lot of advice but not on these matters!
Vc,
Your hairline is receding and your nose is growing. Get married before the fair maidens start calling you uncle.
Kirthi,
My reasons for spurning the CTBT and going nuclear are quite complicated. In fact I may not even be allowed to, and what I think the end result will be is another story altogether.
I have nothing against having Grandparents in the household or a few harmless traditions, else I would have rebelled a bit myself! No, this post was about me realizing why equality of women in our country is harder to achieve than I originally thought. With that comes a ripple of shocked understanding of why a thousand other traditions continue in spite of a sea change in the mindset of the average young urban individual. Best I close this topic now or I'll have another thousand words to say!
I do agree with you when you say that its been ingrained into most women. I have seen it in most of my friends. But being a "liberated" wowmen with an ambitious career I doubt whether I would find the man.
SP,
How laboured can ur sense of humor get! At least I caught it this time :P.
I don't know where I mentioned this. I don't see liberation as being career-oriented and pursuing one's own interests. To a great extent I agree with Sudha Murthy who avers that its all about volition. If you are allowed to choose between sitting in the four walls of your house, keeping your family happy and working your way to the top of the corporate world; and u choose to do the former then you are as liberated as the latter.
Your mom has a successful career and manages a household. She couldn't have done it without the servants (to cook,clean, etc). (correct me if i am wrong there) Do u think ur dad could have done something differently so that she wasn't as depedent on the servants?
btw, don't forget to include a link to ur blog on ur shaadi.com advertisement :P
I actually had a similar argument with one of my foreign friends.Actually, I think it's fine if what she wants aligns with the role she is playing. It's different if it is something she is not willing to do. The system you use doesn't matter just that everyone should be ok with it.
Matrix,
Thanks for your comments and wish you good luck in finding your man!
Kirthi,
I know what you mean. But the truth is that free will is more of an illusion in our society than I thought. And not just for women.
Tipsy,
My Mom is really special because she's achieved everything with exactly the same restrictions as any other Indian housewife.
Helloooo... don't give my parents ideas on marriage and all... my Dad is already hellbent on getting me married at the age of 24 itself!
Ramani,
Dude! We shall meet in winter. I'm sure Bharat and Veda will put some plan, so we can all meet. Still, long way off...
Hi Prashant,
I know that I am giving my comments on a really old post, but I just had to. I agree with a lot of points in your post, but would also like to state that reality is different. You do need external support to raise kids, whether it is grandparents, day care providers or babysitters.
I think to achieve equality between men and women it is imperative that parents teach their children, both boys and girls that there is no limitation or restrictions on what you can achieve. Your gender must not be a deterrent. It is important that the stereotypical image of women as care taker and man as provider be erased from the minds of children.
Take my own upbringing for instance. I come from a family where mom was the home maker and dad was the provider. But my dad instilled in me and my sister that no matter what, we are to stand on our own feet and be financially independent. At the same time, he instilled in my brother the belief that every woman is equal to you. There is no law that states that a man should not cook or change diapers. The child and the home is as much yours as your wife’s. However, my m-i-l is of the belief that it’s a woman’s job to be around the children all the time and she has instilled this belief in my husband too. She completely disapproves of my co-sister working and leaving the children alone at home. I don’t have kids as of now, but she has already told my husband that I should not be working once a kid is born. And unfortunately, he concurs with that. I feel more than anyone it is important that women have to support each other. What your mother is doing is reinforcing the image of a wife in your sil’s mind. I would expect that given her own achievements she would be more keen on equality between men and women.
I dont mean to undermine her accomplishments. I am just stating my opinion. Hope you take it in the right spirit.
Cheers
SN
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